The worst part? or maybe the best?

I think the worst part about finding out about my dad is that I kinda knew it was coming.

Almost exactly this time last year my Grandma Asplund was not doing very well. I decided that with the stress of school, dumping my boyfriend, and loosing my grandma I decided to get a blessing. My really good friend Austin gave it to me. He knew me really well and I had talked to him a lot about all of it.

I still VIVIDLY remember sitting in his living room and him giving me the blessing. In the blessing he said "This is a hard time in your life. The trials in your life now are preparing you for trials in the future." At the time I thought "oh crap whats that supposed to mean?" Probably a month or so later I found out that my dad had Oral cancer. I automatically remembered that line in the blessing. Over time it kinda faded to the back of my brain....but now here it is....So far to the front of my brain its pretty much all I think about.... In fact that line just kind of runs over and over and over in my brain.... My grandmas death was preparing me for my Dads. Maybe since I had more warning with my dad I can prepare myself? So maybe its good? We'll see.....

To my Daddy....

I got this email from my Dad.

The doc said today that my cancer is incurable. I have 4 to 6 months to live. Chemo might give me 18 months but they would be sick nasty months. I said, just let me die. They will be sending in Hopis to keep me pain free and to let me die in piece. I am excited to finally feel an end to all this ....

I only cry when I think about what it means. My sister put it perfectly when she said " I just have to hold tight to what I know so I don't drown in what I feel. "

Besties

This is my blog dedicated to the one and only Katelyn. This girl is one of my favorite people on this entire planet. As cheesy as it is, she completes me. She can make me laugh like NO one else can! She thinks I am funny! Which is enough to make me like you right there.... For some reason, things that I have a hard time telling anyone else just come flying out of my mouth as if it were every day conversation. The best part is, we don't have to talk on the phone every day, we don't have to know EVERY detail of each others life but we are still best of friends. When we get together its like we have never been apart. We honestly couldn't be more opposite. We have both said that unless we were roommates we probably wouldn't even be friends. I really think it was meant to be, because we have become such good good friends. No one understands me like she does. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE needs a friend like Katelyn is to me!

Is it over yet? Can I open my eyes?

I don't know if I am blogging a lot because I have a lot on my mind or if its because I am bored out of my mind. Maybe a mixture of both.

I am just feeling frustrated.... and helpless..... All I can do is tell my parents I am sorry and I wish I could help more. Its more frustrating because it says in my patriarchal blessing specifically that I need to help my parents in their times of need. This is an obvious time of need, but I dont feel like I am helping much. All I can do is let them know that I love them and that I am here for them. It doesn't seem like enough. I wish there was more. Unfortunately there is not.

I don't claim to know a whole lot about life. In fact I am sure I still have a TON left to learn about it. I dont mean to sound as if I am doubting....but I am genuinely curious as to the reason that this is happening. I think that things happen for a reason, or at least there is always something that you can learn from what happens. So, what am I supposed to learn from this? I am a learning it? or am I way off. What are my parents supposed to learn? How can I help them learn it? Or can I? I guess my biggest question for the Lord is How can I help more? What can I do to make the best of the situation, specifically for the people around me. As I said in posts before, I am not worried about me. I am worried about everyone else feeling worried, and feeling pain, frustration, scared, stress etc etc etc. Any way....thats just whats on my mind for the time being.....

Strength in a Moment of Weakness

An update on my dad.... They are fairly certain that his cancer has spread into his lungs. At first they didn't think that he had any more cancer in his face and neck, but now they are thinking the sore on his chin is cancer as well. If it is indeed cancer like they suspect, my dad will start chemo treatments very soon. Also, he will have to have a reconstructive surgery where they will take skin from his leg and put it on his neck in hopes that his neck will heal up better. He is hanging in there. He is a trooper. He has a giant bandage on his chin all the time. He never really feels good and sleeps a lot.

My mom.... is a basket case. She has never been the calmest lady ever. She tends to stress out ten times worse than any normal person. As if she wasnt stressed enough, her car engine blew up. So, now, she has one more thing to stress about. She hates her job, but has to have some kind of income because my dad can't work. and her job also provides my dads insurance. Because of my poor stressed parents I decided they needed a little extra support. I took the first of the week off because I was sick, and then decided to start my trip to Idaho a few days early. Needless to say, the environment in my house is not exactly a cheerful, happy one.

Through all of the stress and chaos and sadness I am SO grateful for a gospel that allows me to feel peace. I have absolutely no doubt what-so-ever that my Heavenly Father loves me. If anything I have felt it more now than EVER. Through many different ways. I can't tell you the countless number of people that I can tell care so much about me. That alone tells me that Heavenly Father loves me. He knows just who can help me right now. I know that the people in my life are there for a reason. I have been able to see how much they care about me and that what is important to me is important to them. It means SSOOO much to me. I have gotten a priesthood blessing that brought me SO much peace as well. I am not scared about me. I am not doubting the Lord at all. I know that he has a plan for me and i KNOW for a fact that he is taking care of me.

I am scared for my mom and dad. I just pray and hope that they know what I know. I hope that they can feel the peace that I feel from my Heavenly Father. I just wish that I could make it better. I don't want my dad to feel sick any more. I know they are stressed beyond all reason. I wish there was more I could do to help them. The hardest part is just having to sit back and watch.

Any way.... Thank you so much all of you for all of your support. I appreciate just knowing that you are thinking about me, and care about me.

urbandictionary.com

My brother posted this thing on facebook that said to look up your name on Urban dictionary.com and type in your name. So, I did and this was the first entry. I dont know what you guys think but I think its a surprisingly accurate description of me... but there you go.... just for fun.

A very smart, sweet girl with lots of things on her mind. She may seem distracted a lot and that's because she is most of the time. Very creative and sometimes shy, she always has to have music on. silence is her only weakness. She doesn't think she's attractive but in reality she's the most gorgeous thing you'll ever meet. often spaces out when near windows. always contemplating something. sugar junkie. very pale and doesn't care. easy to get along with. everyone loves her. stands up for her friends and would never hurt anyone intentionally. cares too much. picks the wrong crowd. not easily influenced. has soo much planned for her. remember her, she'll be widely known soon. if you fall in love with a kelsey don't ever let her go. she likes playfighting. looks like the nost innocent person alive but can be the sexiest, kinky little thing if you get her to that stage. likes being pushed to do better. always looking after those around her.

Temples!

So, ever since I have moved to Salt Lake, Kelcie and I have really tried to go to the temple as often as we can. When Becky joined us we decided to start fulfilling our goal of going to all the temples in the Valley. So far we have been to Salt Lake, Draper and Jordan River. Still on the list are Manti, Logan, Bountiful, and a few others i think.... We also decided that we want to take pictures at each of the temples we go to...but so far we only got pictures at the Draper Temple... The Jordan River's gates were closed. And we decided to get Salt Lake on another day. But here are some of our sweet pictures we got at the Draper Temple


We tried to get a cool jumping picture.....well we aren't jumping but I think this is a freaking sweet picture!!!
All of us with our amazing photographers... :)
Yay Draper Temple!!! VERY beautiful!

Love ya Daddy

It is a possibility that my Dads cancer has come back. I feel so bad.... there is absolutely nothing I can do. There's not much anyone can do.....this song portrays my feelings pretty perfectly right now... If you have the time listen to the song on you tube or something... POWERFUL! love it! I am just going to do parts of the song....

I can tell I can tell
How much you hate this
Deep down inside
You know it's killing me
I can call, wish you well
And try to change this
But nothing i can say Would change anything

I wish i could save you
I wish i could say to you
I'm not going nowhere
I wish i could say to you
It's gonna be alright
It's gonna be alright

There were times i'd wonder
Could i have eased your pain
Why did i turn away

We can pretend nothings changed
Pretend it's all the same
And there will be no pain
Tonight...

processing problems....

So.... do you think that there is a specific section in your brain that controls how you act around the opposite sex? Cuz if so, mine is retarded.

Admittedly I am about 90 million times better than I used be...but still....just not functioning properly.

For some stupid reason, I can flirt and work it with any guy that I am not attracted to. Then as soon as I am attracted its like my brain just stops.... it has processing problems...It's not even like I think of dumb things.... it just altogether stops. Any and all complete thoughts are gone when I am around a boy that I like. And it gets worse the more I like them. If my brain worked properly it would be the other way around...

Maybe someday I will figure out this boy thing...

PANIC x12

So Tuesday was a normal day.... a day like any other... or so it seemed. I ended up subbing for an hour in a kindergarten class at the end of the day. I walked them out and when I was headed back in, the principal was standing right there. She said I need to talk to you. Are you leaving? I just told her I had to lock up the teachers class and I would be right there. I was worried because I thought maybe I was in trouble. I get into her office and she asked me if I would like to sub long term for a teacher that is pregnant. Of course I was MORE than willing. I knew it would be a great experience and I could get in good with the principal. So, she tells me that I will start on Monday and I will just shadow her until she has the baby. Even better! I could get used to how she runs her class and get used to her kids and therefore make a smoother transition. The Lord always has other plans.

I had good intentions ever since I found out about the subbing to go talk to the teacher. BUT I found out on Tuesday and had to leave right after. Then Wednesday I was trying to get stuff for my after school classes that I am teaching ready, so I didn't get to talk to her then either. My plan was to talk to her today after school. When I stopped by her classroom the door was locked and the lights were off. Then a teacher walking by said So... are you taking over for her tomorrow? and I was like oh no, i don't start until Monday. and then she said oh.... didnt you hear? She went into labor.

Yes... you read right... She went into labor. Three. Weeks. Early.

PANIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn't have sub plans ready for the next three weeks! Which is bad enough.... on top of that the teachers told me that she had a sub planned already but my principal said Nope... i want Kelsey to do it. So she is pretty much trying me out to see if she wants to hire me for next year. the Pressure is on... I am scared to death... but im diving in head first!