Lately...

Warning: emotional post!!!!

Very nearly 3 months ago, Brennan and I broke up. It has easily been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I struggle now to put this into words. I've pretty much cried myself to sleep every night for the last 3months. April is a blur to me. I literally remember nothing about April because I was pretty much in a coma. It still doesn't seem real to me. It completely side swiped me. I would have never guessed that it ever would have happened. In all honesty, it's hard for me to think I will ever get over it. I loved him with all of my heart. To me, there was no one else. It's hard to think about. Hard to swallow. Hard to realize that the one person you trusted to never break your heart did exactly that. Hard to see that the person you gave so much to was able to just walk away. How do you get over that?? Really though, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still trying to make any sort of sense of it. I struggle to even want to go out or want to be around people. Of any kind. New friends or old friends.  Here are the thoughts I have had and that I have to keep reminding myself of:

1. There is a reason for this. What that reason is, I have no idea. But for one reason or another Heavenly Father has other plans for me. And I have to trust that. No matter how stinking hard it is and despite the fact that he is dragging me kicking and screaming.

2. We had a lesson once, in my singles branch in Rigby that has really stuck with me. The teacher drew a line on the board and as she talked she changed the way the line moved. She compared it to our life. She said when you are little and you get a puppy, you are so happy (and the line went up) but then the puppy dies, and you are so sad (and the line took a deep dive).  She went back and forth several times between things that make you happy and sad, but each time the jumps and dives in the line got bigger and bigger. Ask me sometime and I will show you. Any way, her point was that there
is opposition in all things. We have to know deeper sorrow so that we can know greater happiness. Almost a Newtons law kind of thing... For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Im not sure that this is completely doctrine, but it made sense to me. It is said in the scriptures that there is
opposition in all things. and we have to know the bitter to know the sweet. I just keep telling myself that one day I'm gonna be REALLY happy and I just have to hang in there.

3. My savior suffered all things. He suffered on a personal level. He has felt everything that I have felt and much more. He understands and can help me heal. Not to mention, prophets of every kind have suffered much more than I. How can I expect to sit amongst them in Heaven if I don't have my own trials. I wouldn't feel worthy to be in the midst of such great incredible people without having struggles of my own. We all have a load to bear on this earth. This is one part of mine.

And So, here I sit on my 26th birthday, Contemplating what life has in store for me. Fairly afraid of the future, struggling to figure out what I want and how to get it. If i had to be honest, i would say
this ranks very high on the " suckiest birthdays ever" list. but I have hope that someday I can look back at this and have the memories, but longer feel the hurt. That I can be truly happy again. I know what I believe and I have to cling to that so that I am not overwhelmed by what I feel.

2012

Farewell 2012! We had some great times and we had some not so great times... Here are a few of the highlights!

January:

Started REALLY rough for me, but really turned out great! I moved into my place on 1500 East with Berkley.

February:

My first Valentines day with Brennan! It was fantastic! He got my beautiful flowers, took me an adorable Italian place downtown and we watched Tangled. He also go me a big thing of Olive Garden mints. He sweet talked some waitress into giving him a BUNCH! It made my WHOLE day. I love those things. 

March: 

VERY eventful!! Grizzlies Hockey game, Opening of City Creek, and Custival of Feathers! (festival of colors) So much fun! and on a chessier note -- Brennan and I said I love you for the first time! :)

April: 

Really good seats in the lower bowl at a Jazz game! a fun Hike with Brennan to a huge rock that over looks the Salt Lake Valley. 

May: 

Brennan and I had a fun date to look at the Solar Annular. We hurried and whipped up a quick dinner and then rushed to a spot up high so that we could check it out. We worn 3 pairs of sunglasses and used a CD in order to see it. I LOVED doing that!

June: 

It was one of the best months of the year! First, school ended and I couldn't have been happier. I had such a hard school year and was so glad to be done with it. Second, I bought and sold a cool roll top desk! I made 100 bucks on it! Luckily I have an adorable and wonderful boyfriend that humors me and goes with my crazy ideas!!!! :) Third, Brennan helped me plan an awesome camping trip up on the Alpine loop. He pretty much put it all together just for me. We spent the day together, set up camp, and went  fishing. We made amazing tin foil dinners and I had birthday cake cooked in an orange in the fire! YUM!!! it was such an awesome birthday! Fourth, I used Brennans awesome birthday present (AS Chalk Paint) and refinished my little cabinet thing. Fifth, I flew to AZ and then drove back to Utah with Whit and the kiddos. We always have so much fun when we do that. I LOVE doing it. :) We also hit a deer and Brennan drove clear down to Panguitch to save us!!! He is always my hero. AND sixth, We had a super fun Family reunion in Star Valley this year.

July:

I got to spend 4th of July with Brennans Family mostly. In the evening we went to a Real game and watched fireworks in the stadium. Brennan and I also set up our co-workers on a date to the Aviary. We didn't realize how cool it was until after we went! Finally, I took Brennan and Brian on a trip to Star Valley/ Yellowstone. We spent time in Jackson and Yellowstone, went to Bar J Wranglers, and played games with my grandparents. 

August:

Brennan had back surgery and because of some very unfortunate events, I stayed at his parents house with him and nursed him back to health. I watched more Olympics than anyone ever. Including things I didn't even know were Olympic sports... School started up again towards the end of the month. At the very end of the month, Brennan scored box seats to a U game and then we had dinner with my family for my dads birthday.

September:

Brennan and I left September 1st to go to Vegas for my first time ever!!! We stayed at the Bellagio, went to Cirque De Solle, and Terry Fator. Brennan and I were able to spend a lot time together. SSOO fun! Caroline and I had our first 3rd grade field trip to Camp Tracy. Brennan and I went shooting with my brother. That was my first time ever! and Finally, Brennan, Michelle, Brian and I went to a Real game and dinner.

October:

Jazz games! Brennan and I decided to go to Rodizio just for the heck of it! We ate ourselves SILLY! I was Miss Frizzle for Halloween. We went to a special Jazz night and got the signatures of the entire Jazz team!! I got to meet Jeremy Evans and I was too shy to say much to him!

November:

We celebrated Brennans birthday by going to Bennihana's (my first time) I had a wonderful Thanksgiving with my moms side of the family! That weekend, I flew with Brennans family out to Las Vegas to celebrate Brennans, his moms, and his grandpa's birthdays!!! We stayed at Ceasers Palace and went to Donnie and Marie! There was a TV in the mirror of the bathroom. We also had frozen Hot Chocolate at Serendipity 3. 

December: 

I made a bunch of ornaments for a variety of people. I should have taken more pictures of them. My students and I had a fun Polar Express party and they brought SSSOOO much candy. We didnt even come close to using half! I also got to make ornaments with my niece and nephews. It has been a tradition in my family. I had a wonderful Christmas and got spoiled by everyone around me!! I loved spending a lot of time with my family. I got to go shopping with my sister, mom and niece too. On New Years Eve, Brennan Brian and I got the stuff ready to go snow mobiling the next day. After that, We went back to their house and I convinced them to play "Just Dance" with me. We also played Mario Kart and watched the count down. We woke up early the next day and drove to Logan to go snow mobiling with Michelle. It was a blast! It was so pretty and just perfect snow and weather. I am SSSOO sore now!  I enjoyed every second of my Holiday break!! 

I was worried that this would take me a long time and that I would have to think really hard about each month, but it was so easy!!! I really had a great year! I am looking forward to see whats in store in 2013!