Warning: emotional post!!!!
Very nearly 3 months ago, Brennan and I broke up. It has easily been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I struggle now to put this into words. I've pretty much cried myself to sleep every night for the last 3months. April is a blur to me. I literally remember nothing about April because I was pretty much in a coma. It still doesn't seem real to me. It completely side swiped me. I would have never guessed that it ever would have happened. In all honesty, it's hard for me to think I will ever get over it. I loved him with all of my heart. To me, there was no one else. It's hard to think about. Hard to swallow. Hard to realize that the one person you trusted to never break your heart did exactly that. Hard to see that the person you gave so much to was able to just walk away. How do you get over that?? Really though, I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still trying to make any sort of sense of it. I struggle to even want to go out or want to be around people. Of any kind. New friends or old friends. Here are the thoughts I have had and that I have to keep reminding myself of:
1. There is a reason for this. What that reason is, I have no idea. But for one reason or another Heavenly Father has other plans for me. And I have to trust that. No matter how stinking hard it is and despite the fact that he is dragging me kicking and screaming.
2. We had a lesson once, in my singles branch in Rigby that has really stuck with me. The teacher drew a line on the board and as she talked she changed the way the line moved. She compared it to our life. She said when you are little and you get a puppy, you are so happy (and the line went up) but then the puppy dies, and you are so sad (and the line took a deep dive). She went back and forth several times between things that make you happy and sad, but each time the jumps and dives in the line got bigger and bigger. Ask me sometime and I will show you. Any way, her point was that there
is opposition in all things. We have to know deeper sorrow so that we can know greater happiness. Almost a Newtons law kind of thing... For every action there is equal and opposite reaction. Im not sure that this is completely doctrine, but it made sense to me. It is said in the scriptures that there is
opposition in all things. and we have to know the bitter to know the sweet. I just keep telling myself that one day I'm gonna be REALLY happy and I just have to hang in there.
3. My savior suffered all things. He suffered on a personal level. He has felt everything that I have felt and much more. He understands and can help me heal. Not to mention, prophets of every kind have suffered much more than I. How can I expect to sit amongst them in Heaven if I don't have my own trials. I wouldn't feel worthy to be in the midst of such great incredible people without having struggles of my own. We all have a load to bear on this earth. This is one part of mine.
And So, here I sit on my 26th birthday, Contemplating what life has in store for me. Fairly afraid of the future, struggling to figure out what I want and how to get it. If i had to be honest, i would say
this ranks very high on the " suckiest birthdays ever" list. but I have hope that someday I can look back at this and have the memories, but longer feel the hurt. That I can be truly happy again. I know what I believe and I have to cling to that so that I am not overwhelmed by what I feel.
No Longer a Nomad
15 years ago
3 comments:
Hang in there, Sissy! We love you!
You're obviously a very impressive, beautiful person Kelsey and I've sure enjoyed getting to know you/Whitney better. Hang in there.
Oh Legs, breakups like that are THE. WORST. I remember one totally sideswiping me in the face just like that. . and that weeks after it were a blur as well. It was hard for me to want to do anything and I was also trying so hard to not continue to ask "WHY ME??!" I remember one day I was in class and just feeling sorry for myself when somehow the idea came to me to do my best to forget about myself right now and help out someone else, and to list my blessings instead of my trials. So I went home, pulled out a piece of paper and titled it something like "Things Tara really is grateful for, but has a hard time remembering right now" and I started to write down names, activities I did, good things about my health, etc. and I taped it up on my bathroom mirror so I would see it every day and remember what I had. And I made an effort to add things to that paper as often as I could. There were still crappy days ahead, but it really made a huge difference. I am so sorry that you are going through this mess right now. Hang in there! IT WILL GET BETTER.
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