What do I want? You tell me and we'll both know!!!!

I am at a weird stage in my life. Im getting ready to graduate from college. That is a big deal! But for some reason to me it doesn't feel like much. I see all of my friends going on missions, getting married, getting great jobs and I'm like wow they are really going some where! they are accomplishing so much they are really growing and moving on to a great place in their lives. But for some reason i feel like im at a stand still. I almost feel like well wow what have i done with my life? I almost have a college degree but i dont know where i want to go with it! With the degree i have i can go pretty much any where i want.... anyone that knows me knows that i am a TERRIBLE decision maker, so having almost endless possibilities is BAD NEWS for me! I could go any where and do pretty much anything.... but thats the thing... i dont know... you just pick a place for me! haha I wont lie....i always imagined myself married by now. By no means am i actually ready to be married right now...but i always thought i would be. I always just thought that when i graduated from College i would be married and i would just teach where ever my husband needed to be. As you can tell that is far from the case. I didnt plan this direction of my life. I have always been a planner. and pretty much my whole life i have planned up to a certain point and just done it. and when i get there i plan more....and its always just worked with minor adusting along the way. I get this idea in my head and i make it happen. So this is really new for me. I dont have any of my life planned from here on out and it freaks me out. It feels like Im staring into this pitch black cave and i have to leave almost everything and everyone i knew before outside of the cave and venture in. I just feel like i have no direction... Its good though. It is teaching me to take the Lords hand and let him guide me. Its teaching me that i dont have to see the whole picture i can just see parts at a time. Its making me really trust the Lord and put my faith in him. I know he will take me where I need to be. I also know that it doesnt mean it wont be scary and that it wont hurt. But it will be what i need when i need it and he will take care of me. He wont leave me alone.

Fall 2008

I hate when i get stressed. The semester is quickly ending and the homework and projects are of course piled high. I spent all day today doing something... 7:45 to 1:45 in class... and then 2-8:30 doing homework... after that i just felt so anxious i had to do something so i went and worked out. i just really had a crappy day today. It was long, and busy and something that always brightens my day was no where to be found... My teacher gets on my nerves more and more every day! its lucky i only have one more class of his ever because i dont think i could take it any more. I hate it when im like this because i hate being around people. I hate being like this and i dont want people to see me when im like this. Plus i want to still have friends at the end of the day. I really feel like i just need to sit down and cry but i cant. That always used to make me feel better and i would always do it but i havent really cried in probably 6 months or more. I dont cry any more. i need to calm down but i just cant seem to. UG i have to go do something!