My Daddy

For those of you that do not know yet, my Dad passed away yesterday. It has been a very hard reality to face, but we are making it through. He went much quicker than we anticipated but, it is SO much better for his sake. I know for a fact that he is in a much better place. He is happy and healthy and doing so much to help up in heaven. He is no longer in pain and no longer suffering, which was probably the hardest part for me to see. It was almost a exactly a year after he was diagnosed with cancer that he died. I wrote in my journal March 22 2009 that he was officially diagnosed the Friday before. Thank you all so much for your love, support, concern, thoughts, prayers, generosity etc etc etc the list could go on. Here is a really good quote I found the day before he passed away.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt

Festival of Colors

The after math...on the way home from the shuttle

Full body shot

Beck and I taking an action shot

The Hindu Temple

Before shot

Kelcie Becky and I went to the Festival of Colors at a Hindu temple in Spanish Fork yesterday. It was SO much fun! We bought bags of chalk and just walked around and threw chalk at each other and other people. We had it every where. When we blew our noses we had purple boogers....our teeth were purple and when we spit you had black spit. At one point everyone flung up the chalk and created a giant cloud. It was impossible to breathe and I was gagging on all the chalk that was in my mouth. It was so fun though! here are some pictures to document our adventure.

Utah Driver

I finally have my car registered.... I have a Utah drivers license, Utah license plates, Utah insurance.... I am officially a Utah driver.... I dont know how I feel about it. After all the work, pain, stress, and agony in getting the car thing situated it is MOSTLY taken care of. I did find out that my serpentine belt is badly cracked....So I will probably end up replacing that soon. Dang cars....

My certification stuff is STILL a giant pain in my butt...and I cant apply for jobs til i have my cert stuff done. I am INCHES away from having it all but i had to pay $40 to get a hard copy of my Praxis scores.....ouch....

The teachers and principal were talking about the FTE today at school. It makes me pretty nervous. Everyone tells me they all love me at my school but it makes me nervous about getting a job. FTE is basically the projected number of student in each grade for the next school year. and based on the number of students that is how they know how many teachers they can hire for the next school year. Well thats pretty much all that is going on in my super crazy life....

Home Bitter Sweet Home.

I have never been good with words. It is WAY easier for me to say what I am thinking in writing.... So here goes nothing....

I came home this weekend. It has been almost a month since I have been home so I was REALLY excited to get back. I felt like I really needed to be here and couldn't wait to see my parents. Its just frustrating to me because now that I am here it is REALLY hard... I can't decide where I should be. When I am in Salt Lake I just want to be back here....when I am here I just want to be back in Salt Lake. I think in a way its easier to be in Salt Lake....but not for good reasons.

I think I decided today that I am not really sad that he is going to die. Because of the gospel background that I have I am almost comforted in the fact. It is just SSSOOO hard to see him SO miserable. He is just slowly but surely dying. and suffering the whole way. I think that is the most upsetting part. Especially knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to sit any watch.

I have definitely learned that i was NEVER EVER meant to be a doctor. I have been helping take care of him since I have been here and it is really hard for me. I have a SUPER weak stomach. I feel bad. I feel like I should be here to take better care of him. Thankfully my grandma stays here pretty much 24/7. It is a huge comfort for all of us to know she is taking care of him. Not to mention she is the only one that does things just the way he likes it.

The questions i hate the most right now are:

• How are you?(not the normal kind but the oh....poor pathetic you....your dad is dying-sad-look-on-their-face kind)
• How's your dad?
• How was your weekend at home?
• What can I do for you?

At least from people that I don't know very well. Do you really need to ask? How do you think I am? he is? it was? not mention.....its not like i really want to talk about it at least not with them...... Probably the best thing you can do for me right now is to ask or talk to me about ANYTHING else. I think about it enough without everyone asking me all the time.

Here are the answers

• I'm not too great
  
• Hes not good, hes really sick and miserable
  
• It was harder than I would even like to admit
  
• You don't have magical healing powers so nothing.

bah hum bug...

I am a giant grump....ALL the time....
Anything sets me off. I am NOT like that.
I can't sort through the thoughts in my head.
I hate starting to cry because it takes me literally hours to stop.
The gospel my family and my friends are the only things that keeping me going.
Thank goodness I know what I know and have the gospel. (even with it I am a basket case)
I don't really sleep any more.....
For some reason I can't seem to face reality.

OH Geez.... ROUND TWO

So.... the windshield guy was supposed to come on Wednesday and fix my windshield... He told me to call him when I went to lunch and he would come to my work and fix it. So, I call him a little bit before lunch....no answer..... During lunch.....THREE TIMES......NO answer.... After school.....NO ANSWER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I left him a message the first and last times....first one pleasant and hopeful. Last one grumpy and annoyed.....

SO, I decide to give it another try....maybe he forgot right? So I call again today....It rang a normal number of times and then voicemail. I called back a little later... ring ring voicemail. He ignored my call. This time I am all worked up again and So I leave him a nasty message. I said something like

" This is a JOKE! I tried to be nice the first time about you not fixing my windshield but now you are just ignoring my calls and will NOT call me back! I hope you feel good about doing a crappy job and just leaving it! Call me back or I will do something about it" (It sounded threatening in my head.....)

About half hour later I got a text from a number I didn't know. It said " I am not blowing you off I have been in the hospital the last two days. I will call in the morning."

That's what i get for running my big mouth.....proof that getting mad never does any good.....

OH GEEZ!!!!!!!!

Oh Geez......

It has been one of those days......

School was good! I was in a good mood! I was excited to go shopping with Kels and then go to Brad and Jeff's basketball game.... I came out of school and it was POURING rain. Usually i LOVE LOVE LOVE the rain! but i ran to my car and got in. I started it and then looked over to see a steady stream of water pouring into my car. New windshield + pouring rain = FAIL
Kels and I did the best we could to dry it off and tape it up and it doesnt seem to be leaking any more.... I called the windshield guy and was real grumpy with him. He felt really bad and was really nice about it so then i felt guilty about it.

So, i calmed down, we went shopping and then to the basketball game and then we decided to stop at the movie theater because they called me and said they found my ipod. It turned into a HUGE ordeal.... The manager was like well we found this ipod on Saturday and you were here weeks ago... your story doesnt match. How do I know its your ipod...(after i described it PERFECTLY to him.) I wasn't very nice... i was like well Apparently they just didnt find it until Saturday and your employees aren't doing their job properly!!! He said "I'm sure thats not the case" Eventually he pulled the ipod out of his pocket and I was like THAT is my ipod! and he was like well we just need to protect out customers... I tried to call you but your number didn't work. So, how do I know. and he showed me the number he called and it had 801-569-3080....so i told him that i told them it was 208 NOT 801 but they wrote it down wrong. He was still arguing with Kelcie and I and I was SO frustrated i was just like Well I dont care I have my ipod GOOD BYE!!! and he was like wait i need your number. I hope no one else comes in and asks for a white ipod with a blue case....I was like You have my number! its on your freaking paper! FOR THE LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! and walked out

We are probably two minutes down the road and my phone rings. I KNEW it was the theater.... so I answered and it was some poor teenage boy that had to suffer my wrath.... The boy said "Yeah....they answered....what am i supposed to say? Oh uh.... did you loose a white i pod with a blue case?" I was like YES AND I TOLD YOU THIS IS MY NUMBER I AM NOT A FREAKING LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GEEZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Poor kid.... I feel so guilty when i get mad...after the fact.... I was just so frustrated!!!! I just have all these frustrating things FLYING at me and theres nothing i can do about it! I just feel so on edge lately. I guess my life is pretty stressful right now...but I dont feel like that is a good or fair excuse.... Poor people that just happen to tick me off right at the wrong time.... Hopefully i make it through this with out killing any one.... or with out dying from stress.....

Growing Pains

So....hurray for me I bought my parents car from them. Little did I know the GIANT pain the butt it was going to be. My dad decided getting a loan from Idaho was a good idea..... Can I just tell you how hard it is to try and communicate with someone 300 miles away that will only talk to you Monday through Friday on the phone..... I don't even know when I am supposed to make my loan payment.... He still hasn't put the title in my name, so I can't even get my car registered.... I had a long weekend so I was hoping to get it all done this weekend but of course not! That would just be smart and convenient.

News flash: In my life smart and convenient things don't happen.

Having a car is SO much work. AND so much money. I had to get the windshield fixed, car inspections, car insurance, change my drivers license and THEN I can attempt to register my car. The stupid snow made it so that I couldn't get my windshield fixed until the afternoon, so I didn't get anything else done yesterday. There is so much more that I should have gotten done. I tried to call the insurance people today to get some quotes but there was only one open today and lucky me..... the insurance payment would be more than my car payment.....

Not to mention I have been getting letters from my student loans saying that i have to start repaying my loans at the end of June....which i also just found out that i have to find a new job for the summer..... So...in other words I have to start paying my loans back when my current job ends..... Stressful?

ya think? I really am feeling the PAINS of growing up. Can't I just mooch of my parents forever? Oh yeah...thats right.... my parents have nothing TO mooch because they have hospital bills up to their eyeballs......

Man alive I am grouchy mc-grouchpot today. debbie downer..... I need to do something to cheer me up.

Avoiding confrontation

Ever since I found out about my dad, I haven't really given myself time to think about my dad. I have really avoided coming face to face with whats going on. I have been busy enough that I have been totally able to do it. Now that I am back in fourth grade being an aide my life has drastically slowed down. I am still trying to avoid thinking about what's going on but its not working as well. And really....my method is not very effective because it just makes it so that I don't sleep at night...because I try and think of anything and everything else all night long so that I don't have time to register that he is dying. I don't know if I should admit this in public...but I had a really hard time going home just because it meant facing what I have been trying to avoid. Not to mention the fact that avoiding thinking and registering the fact in my brain is not helping because I need to spend as much time with my dad as I can. I feel like I really just need to take a day to myself and be alone...but at the same time I don't want to be alone. It's annoying because I don't want to stay at home so I go out to church activities and the whole time I am just thinking about how much I just want to leave....I was kind of excited for FHE tonight and then once I got there I was just in a bad mood and wanted to leave..... I feel kind of bipolar right now....or at least that I can't make up my mind.....