Woah baby!

2009 has been an interesting year for me. In the beginning I thought it was going to be awesome! I was getting to know this awesome guy! I knew that i was going to be learning and growing a ton and i was really excited for the new year. Little did i know what was waiting for me. I had to make a huge decision about this awesome guy i was getting to know....which was really hard for me. I really liked him but not in a way that i should if i was going to keep dating him. I always told myself i wouldn't never be the girl that dated someone just to have someone no matter how bad i "wanted someone". In the end it was a good decision to stop dating him even if it was hard. Then school started getting really stressful. I was so so busy. I have never done more homework but never had worse grades.... I am constantly doing homework and sometimes feel like im drowning! I probably wont get good grades this semester. Then my grandma died. That was another huge stress! Now i find out that my dad has tongue cancer. We have no idea to what extent yet but it looks pretty darn serious. All this big stress in my life is kind of making all the little things stressful too. Some days are better then others. Im pulling through! But i have just given up on this semester. I am to the point that i cant take any more. I am just getting stuff done i dont even care how nice it looks or if the answers are right i am just getting it done. I have a severe case of senioritis....

Change....

i don't feel like doing my homework so i decided i was going to post to my blog. i just need to vent right now. I really wish that you could pick the things in your life that change. Last semester was awesome. I was relatively care free. I had good friends and i didnt have to worry about what i was going to do on the weekend it was just implied that i would be with them and we would do whatever. Dont get me wrong i still have good friends and awesome people in my life...but two friends in particular i have really drifted from. Its really hard for me. Things have just changed between us and i wish so much that they could be back to the way they were before. I could really use the friendship like we had before in my life right now. In so many ways i cant wait to get out of Eastern Idaho forever. At the same time i dont want to leave things unresolved. These two friends just dont even really seem to care about me any more and its really hard for me. I have really been making an effort to hang out with them again and leaving pretty much ANY and EVERY time open so that i could hang out with them again and they always find an excuse. Last night they completely ignored me. I just dont get things like that. And it really hurts that its not the same any more. My efforts are unrequited.

I really hate that i hate my last semester in Rexburg. This whole time i was thinking that i was going to have fun and make my last the best when in all reality it has probably been my very worst out of all four years. Not to mention one of my biggest fears the whole time i've been in rexburg has come true. The whole time i was worried that i would get to my student teaching and THEN realize that i didnt want to be a teacher. and well well well what do you know? I dont want to be a teacher any more. I know i would do well and be successful but i dont want to teach teach. I dont really like teaching a whole class. I love kids and i love teaching but i would rather do one on one or small group stuff.

PLUS Everyone keeps asking me where im heading after stuent teaching and i have no idea... im praying ill have an idea sometime before it actually gets here. My whole life is up in the air but im strangely ready for the challenge. I never thought i would say that but i am excited to grab life by the horns! I'm excited to make something of myself without having the crutch of my family, or BYU-Idaho or people i know in general. I really grow and learn when i am thrown into a new situation. Its what i do best....its what i have done my whole life. i hate being sad or lonely so i do something about. I think thats what frustrating me most right now....i cant figure out anything to fix hating this semester other then waiting for it to be over. I just need to suck it up and enjoy the journey...im just struggling with the "enjoy" part of it.