who knows....

Well this post is just to remind all of you why I call my blog random ramblings. This blog is often really helpful for me to think about things. There are many times that I write this huge post and then think about what I wrote and im like uh... i dont want people to actally read that... haha any way.... i dont really have a plan of what this post is gonna be about so its just gonna be whatever comes out...Here ya go....

Life very rarely changes in an instant. I read this quote the other day that said something like... Life seems to be the same every day until one day you look back and its completely different. This is something i have been realizing more and more every day. I feel like im in this routine but all in all life is always slowly changing. Im the kind of person that doesn't like change....but at the same time i reach points in my life that i know i just need a big change to move on in my life. There are parts of my life that have changed and i really really really wish they wouldnt have. I wish i would have (or maybe could have) done something to make those parts stay the same. Or maybe that I would have taken advantage of those opportunites more when I had them. I guess that is what makes you appriciate what you have. My problem now is that im having a hard time letting go. I know that its over, and its time to move on but i dont want to! its so pathetic but im like clinging to the fragments that are left. In all reality its pretty much just making me miserable.

There are a few things contributing to this but there is this boy....in particular. I used to have a crazy big crush on him....its kind of a complicated story....any way.... i dont have feelings for him in that way any more. BUT i have always just felt this like certain attatchment to him. This sounds creepy and weird but i still vividly remember the first time i ever heard his name i just knew.... i dont know what i knew....but i just knew. Maybe that we were supposed to be in each others lives or something. I love talking to him. Its not like we are best friends or that we are even like super close....but for some reason hes always kind of in the back of my head. like i said its not that i have "those" kinds of feelings for him. Sounds crazy but it almost feels like we were supposed to be friends. I always felt like there was something i needed to teach him or help him with and there was something that he needed to help me with. I dont really feel like i have had much of an impact in his life but i hope that i have. Ok i just sound crazy.... but there you go... random ramblings.... Its just frustrating to me because hes leaving in July and going on a mission....im moving to Utah and moving on in my life. We dont talk or hang out any where close to how much we used to. Im just having a hard time letting go of it for some reason. i want to like cling to the little time that we have left as friends. this is so jumbled... i dont even think my brain knows what its thinking.....

On another note....kind of related in a round about way....One thing that I love doing is finding a song that relates to my life and then I listen to the song OVER and OVER and OVER. It's like what i do. I have a few that are my favorites in particular right now. Most of the time its not really the whole song..but just a line or two! and i just fall in love with the line or so in the song. I love music! its proof of a higher power in more ways then one. I feel like music is one way that i can truly explain, or think about my feelings. It says things that words can't. Especially for me because i can never really express how i feel in words. The worst feeling for me is not being able to find a song that fits my mood or life at the moment. Music is awesome!

On a random side note I waxed my eye brows for the first time tonight. I thought about doing it before church today but i decided against it. Now i am thankful that i did. It doesnt really hurt too much when you rip it off....but my skin is still like tingling and stinging! Im praying the reddness goes away by tomorrow!!

Another thing on my mind is how much of a Debbie Downer i feel like i am being. i am so whining and ungrateful lately. Its pretty uncharacteristic of me. I need to actually give Rigby a chance but i just dont want to. Im pouting because i want my life i had in rexburg back. I want my Rexburg friends and my Rexburg life. I'm sure if i actually gave Rigby a chance i could have a very similar life but im being stubborn. which is crazy.... Who would have thought that?? im never stubborn... haha yeah right.... any way... i need to stop wishing my life was different and Find joy in the Journey like President Monson said! I need to trust the Lord and let him guide me and stop thinking i know whats best.