What do I want? You tell me and we'll both know!!!!

I am at a weird stage in my life. Im getting ready to graduate from college. That is a big deal! But for some reason to me it doesn't feel like much. I see all of my friends going on missions, getting married, getting great jobs and I'm like wow they are really going some where! they are accomplishing so much they are really growing and moving on to a great place in their lives. But for some reason i feel like im at a stand still. I almost feel like well wow what have i done with my life? I almost have a college degree but i dont know where i want to go with it! With the degree i have i can go pretty much any where i want.... anyone that knows me knows that i am a TERRIBLE decision maker, so having almost endless possibilities is BAD NEWS for me! I could go any where and do pretty much anything.... but thats the thing... i dont know... you just pick a place for me! haha I wont lie....i always imagined myself married by now. By no means am i actually ready to be married right now...but i always thought i would be. I always just thought that when i graduated from College i would be married and i would just teach where ever my husband needed to be. As you can tell that is far from the case. I didnt plan this direction of my life. I have always been a planner. and pretty much my whole life i have planned up to a certain point and just done it. and when i get there i plan more....and its always just worked with minor adusting along the way. I get this idea in my head and i make it happen. So this is really new for me. I dont have any of my life planned from here on out and it freaks me out. It feels like Im staring into this pitch black cave and i have to leave almost everything and everyone i knew before outside of the cave and venture in. I just feel like i have no direction... Its good though. It is teaching me to take the Lords hand and let him guide me. Its teaching me that i dont have to see the whole picture i can just see parts at a time. Its making me really trust the Lord and put my faith in him. I know he will take me where I need to be. I also know that it doesnt mean it wont be scary and that it wont hurt. But it will be what i need when i need it and he will take care of me. He wont leave me alone.

Fall 2008

I hate when i get stressed. The semester is quickly ending and the homework and projects are of course piled high. I spent all day today doing something... 7:45 to 1:45 in class... and then 2-8:30 doing homework... after that i just felt so anxious i had to do something so i went and worked out. i just really had a crappy day today. It was long, and busy and something that always brightens my day was no where to be found... My teacher gets on my nerves more and more every day! its lucky i only have one more class of his ever because i dont think i could take it any more. I hate it when im like this because i hate being around people. I hate being like this and i dont want people to see me when im like this. Plus i want to still have friends at the end of the day. I really feel like i just need to sit down and cry but i cant. That always used to make me feel better and i would always do it but i havent really cried in probably 6 months or more. I dont cry any more. i need to calm down but i just cant seem to. UG i have to go do something!

im really bored and cant sleep...

This time last November, were you single?
Yup


Who can you blame for your bad mood today?
Im not in a bad mood...

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
Yes in a way...but im always learning

What do you prefer skittles or starbursts?
skittles

How was last night?
It was ok... pretty boring compared to Saturdays im used to.

If you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
#1 reason...i'm thinking. Other reasons i'm listening, or im mad

What is your mom listed under in your phone?
Mumzy

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
nope cant say that i have

How are you feeling right now?
tired and kinda lonely....im not used to being by myself any more! im used to having people around me all the time

What was your last argument about?
I dont remember...i guess technically telling Katelyn she should stay and hang out with me instead of going home

Last nap?
today after church! i love sunday naps!

Who were the first 2 people you heard this morning?
My mom and Dad

Have you ever liked anyone that treated you like crap?
Oh yes.... unfortunately much too often

What are you listening to?
Say Anything Else -Cartel

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
not that i know of...

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Probably.... im pretty cool.... hahaha

Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
Tara W!!!

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
LOVE them if im inside!!! its super cool to watch!

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no...but not unhappy either... kind of neutral

Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
Well i have lived with some of them so i guess the answer is yes.

Do you believe in perfection?
Yes! Jesus is perfect and we can be through him eventually


How do you vent anger?
Blast music, talk to someone, (it works best if its the person im mad at), go run.... i love running when im upset or have a lot on my mind!

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
i have a bunch

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
most definitely

Are you over your past?
Um.... i still think about it but i know i am a different person now...


Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Yes

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
No not at all


Do you currently hate someone?
no i dont hate any one

What was the first thing you thought when you wake up?
Ug i dont want to wake up.... SNOOZE!!!

What were you doing at 12:00 this afternoon?
getting home from Church

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
no but I did once... thats why i never will again

Do you like the majority of the people you went to school with?
yeah

Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?
YES!!!!!! 4th of July

Who was the last person you texted?
Sean

Does anyone hate you?
psh heck no.... no one could ever hate me! :) haha i dont know....

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Yes sir! several in fact

What is worse physical or emotional pain?
emotioal because i always think about it and its harder to get rid of...


Think a lot before you fall asleep?
always...really bad habit

Boy or a girl to text you last?
boy

Are you afraid of falling in love?
heck yes i am

Name something you are doing tomorrow:
Going to see my kiddos

Does your phone normally ring in the middle of the night?
nope thank goodness

How many hours did you sleep last night?
about 7

Is there anyone you trust who you shouldn't?
no i dont think so... but there are people i trust with somethings and not with others...

Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
yup.....


How did you and your number one on myspace become friends?
She was my roommate!

Do you think you're old?
Sometimes....just cuz a lot of the people i graduated with are married and have kids... and like everyone i go to school with that is single is younger then me pretty much

Are you a jealous person?
not seriously.... but i say im jealous all the time

Where have you lived throughout your life?
Star Valley off and on my whole life, Fresno Cali, Rapid City South Dakota, Rigby and Rexburg.

Do you wear contacts?
nope

What were you doing an hour ago?
reading

What are you wearing?
sweats

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
no its made me who i am today

If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
No... i think what goes around comes around.... i dont need to...

Who do you live with?
5 wonderful girls

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?
nope

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Um yeah?

Did you have a good birthday last year?
Yup


Is your hair curly?
kinda wavy in spots....on the right day

Are you waiting for something
uh....in a way....

The past is the past....

I am finally home for Thanksgiving break. It is really nice not having to worry about homework...but that gives me plenty of time to think about anything and everything else. The topic of choice today is the past. I have been reading this really awesome book called Alive in Christ by Robert L Millet. Its really amazing! i would highly recommend it to any one. Reading this book is really what has triggered thinking about the past. He gives this beautiful imagery of becoming reborn through Christ. My favorite so far is the example of a butterfly. We don't stop and say oh what a lovely converted worm which is indeed what it is. Instead we see it for what it is. It has just made me think about what i was before and what i am now. I think in many ways who i was and who i am are polar opposites. Not saying that I'm some perfect person by any means but i do believe that what i have become is so much more beautiful then what i was. Repentance is a really amazing thing!!! How lucky are we to have the opportunity to change our lives. We can realize what we want in life and go for it. He also says that we should remember the past only as a reminder of our growth. Christ made it so that we can repent and become a new person and I'm so grateful!

Just kind of as a side note... After thinking about my past today i looked through a lot of my old stuff like yearbooks. I really do miss those times. i had a good life and good friends and good memories (some that i re-lived today). It always brings a smile to my face to remember where i have been and it helps me keep in mind that i have so much ahead of me and SSSOOO much can happen in what seems like no time at all. It makes me want to take everything for what it is worth. I want to take advantage of every moment and cherish it!

Becoming a Teacher

Being a teacher is not always what I wanted to do. When I was way younger I wanted to be a nurse. I could never do that now! GROSS! When I was a little older I decided that I wanted to be a Judge. Crazy I know... Then when I was even a little older I wanted to be a Physical Therapist. I actually even looked into going into it. I looked at programs I looked at the kinds of things I could do with it and more. Now looking back I have no idea why I wanted to be any of those things. My senior year I just all of the sudden decided Elementary Education and that I was going to BYU-Idaho...both things that i had pretty much sworn off my entire life. But you know I am so happy with my decision. I really love being with children!

I had a really awesome experience. The kind of experience that makes you realize why you're doing what you are doing. I was in my Literacy Practicum class doing the same thing I always do. This time I was playing a literacy game with a small group of kids. They had to pick a card and read it. This one particular boy (hes so cute and so sweet I want to take him home with me) picked a card that said "what is" he had trouble with it and got stuck on what. He kept saying "wat" and then would look at me because he knew it wasn't right. So I said alright lets take a look at this. He showed me and usually I would have just told him what it was. But this time I said try and read the next word...maybe that will help you! Then he said "wat is" and thought for a second then said "WHAT IS!!!!" he got SO excited!!!!! he got a huge smile on his face!! I think it was awesome for both of us! He felt so accomplished because he figured it out by himself! I felt so accomplished because he figured it out by himself! I live for those moments!I think that that is what being a teacher is all about!! Being a teacher is not about regurgitating information and praying that students will soak in some of it. Being a teacher is guiding the students to make their own discoveries! Not to mention I think that they remember it so much better that way. This way it has actual meaning to them its not just something they have to do because mom and dad make them go to school! I love being a teacher and im learning how more and more every day!!! it rocks my world!

Life is a beautiful thing!!!

You know i usually use this as my escape. I use this to vent my frustrations. But not this time! I think its time for a little ray of sunshine in a world of clouds. I have a lot in my life that i could really choose to be upset about and sometimes i do choose to be upset about them but today i just remembered how beautiful life REALLY is!! We all have moments of darkness or moments that we just want to give up and not try any more but that is NOT what life is about! The Lord sent us to this earth to learn and grow. I am personally of the opinion that everything in your life happens for a reason. Sometimes i really struggle to remember it because life gets hard but its so true. Everything that has happened in my life so far has shaped me into who i am today and im SO grateful for it all. It is so amazing to me how everyone's lives just fit so cohesively together that we influence each other just at the right time in your life. Being the music nerd that i am relate almost everything to a song.... In Wicked the song "For Good" says it perfectly! It says " I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. The Lord is truly so amazing to me!!! that alone testifies to me that he knows all!!! Im so constantly grateful for the AMAZING people that my Heavenly Father has blessed me with throughout my ENTIRE life!!! You know who you are!! (even though like 3 of you read this) So i guess i just want to say that Life is so beautiful and we are so blessed!!! I am so blessed!!! so much more then i ever deserve!!

Who knows what could happen!

So lately the stress of becoming an adult is kinda getting to me. I dont even know why... like its probably not nearly the big deal that I'm turning it into but none the less it has put a definite damper on my mood. So Thursday night I had a bit of time to myself (some of my favorite times) and i was feeling especially frustrated. I decided to go running and get some of my energy out, give myself to blast my music and think. To make a long story short I came back, read some talks and scriptures and decided to take a shower and just go to bed. One of my favorite places to pray when i REALLY need to is the shower...i can really focus there and no one can really walk in on you....so i prayed about the situation and when i was done praying i just got this feeling that I should go to Europe. I prayed about what direction I should be taking my life, the things i need to be doing and how i can become better and that is the answer i got. And what really makes me nervous is that one of the talks i read was all about how when you recieve a revelation you need to listen to it. Even if you are scared the Lord will provide a way for you to accomplish it if you take the action. So i guess im gonna try to go to Europe!!!!! I am SO SO SO excited you would not believe!!! at the same time i kinda stress about paying for it. If i did do it i would probably have to take a lighter load of credits and get a job next semester.... Which would most likely put my student teaching back a semester. which isnt even really a bad thing! Im curious to see how its all gonna work and if i even actually go...but thats the plan for now!!! :) For now im just gonna apply and hopefully i get into the program to go!!! We shall see!!!!

Say what? x2

Really my life is pretty unexciting with random bursts of minor entertainment....

Friday I went to work as usual and had a normal day. I was hoping to leave early so that i could make it to the ring ceremony and reception of my old roommate Krystal. Luckily enough Meya wanted to stay later because she didn't work much during the week so i got off at 4 instead of the usual 6. I met Salena at Deseret book...We stopped at the mall to leave a card for her man and then off we went on our adventure!! We pulled out of the mall parking lot and were waiting at the stop light. Suddenly i notice that the lady in the car in front of Salena was getting out of her car screaming!! To make a long story short i got out of the way and eventually found Salena and the crazy lady in the parking lot at toys-r-us. I stopped so that Salena and I could drive to American Falls together. Next thing I know the PSYCHO that just chewed out Salena turned on me! I was in such shock that she was yelling at ME an innocent bystander that i don't even really remember much of what she said.... something about "if your going to drive like that" and "those are my kids" I'm sure i just had this "you have got to be kidding me" look on my face. Finally i was like um you don't have to be so rude! It was an accident...things like this happen... not to mention i had nothing to do with this! She went off on another one of her rants and i said I'm leaving now and pulled out. I came to find out later from Salena that there wasn't even any damage done!! Crazy control freak lady!!! But my friend that's not all that Friday held in store for me! ( Say what? number one)

Salena and i had a wonderful time at the reception (we didn't make it to the ring ceremony thanks to the crazy lady) and parted ways in Pocetello where she went to Preston and i came home. I was a good mile or 2 from my exit and i was really tired... i kept zoning out REALLY bad! all of the sudden i see these lights in my rear view mirror! I immediately pulled over and about peed my pants!! I have never ever been pulled over before so i was really scared! I got out my license and prepared for the worst. I rolled down the passenger side window where he was and said Hi..... how are you? and he said Hi I'm good.... two reasons i pulled you over (TWO!?!?!) the first is that you were speeding... i got you at 71 and its only 65 and then you were swerving since i have been behind you. Have you been drinkin tonight? (SAY WHAT!?! number 2) I'm sure my mouth popped open when i said no.... i don't drink!* Thankfully the cop was SUPER nice about everything he looked at all my info at my window and let me go not even a written warning! I didn't get a breathalyzer either! ha ha i thought it was so funny though!! Me of all people getting pulled over for drunk driving!

*I was swerving because my mom's stupid car! the alignment is SSOOO off you have to hold the steering wheel like you're turning left! I always tell her that i feel like a swerve all over in her car! My dad even said that car swerves like nothing else!

Growing up...

I think I have officially decided that growing up sucks. Don't get me wrong I guess it really does have its perks... Eating ice cream for dinner, staying up as late as you want, spending your money however you want, making your own choices... but the perks don't come without consequences.... getting fat, being tired for work/school, being poor and not being able to pay your bills, dealing with the choices you make... I don't see why when you are younger you are so eager to grow up. Kids just don't understand... growing up looks glorious but if they only knew... hahaha Maybe its just the wanting what you don't have kind of thing?

At this stage in my life I kinda think that maybe when am actually older it will be easier. I'm at a middle stage. I"m not grown up but I'm not a kid. Right now my future is so unsure! I have 2 semester of classes left and then my student teaching. I still have no idea where I want to student teach. I keep hoping that by some miracle there will be something that comes up that kind of decides for me. A lot could happen in a year.... I guess I keep waiting to plan my life around other people which is definitely not the way to go... Other people continue with their own lives. They get married, they have kids, they move back home and get an awesome job from someone they already know. I guess I just need to buck up and make my own decisions once. I think i just hate having almost everything in my life so up in the air. It seems like I can only plan my life in about 3 month sections. I just feel like i just want to be 5 years down the road and hopefully my life will be a little more stable then, but at the same time it seems like I'm wishing my life away. It's like I'm always gonna say that it will be better in a while instead of living in the moment and being happy with what I have because I could have a lot less! It also seems like (especially in my culture) that the older you get the more things you should have accomplished....be married, have a good job, have a house and a car etc.... but it kinda seems like I'm not very close to any of that but that's kind of what is expected of me... It seems like everyone wants me to have a direction in my life ( I convince them I have one) but really I have no idea what I'm doing.... I guess its just a dilemma of being 21 and still figuring out life.

Blogging huh?

A lot of people I know are all about the blogs. I'm not really sure what the fuss is about but I guess I decided to try it out and see how it goes. My life isn't all that exciting but you know I'm ok with it. Right now I am reading the Twilight series! That about the most exciting thing. BUT i am a hopeless romantic and so these books are right up my allie! I think just from reading this you can understand why I decided to call it random ramblings... Any way... hopefully soon enough I will have fun or exciting or even funny things to write about!