Stand Still, Look Pretty

Have you ever done something that you really regret? I have. Very recently. If I had another chance, I would do almost everything different. I regret the situation for a lot of reasons. I feel like several friendships were injured in the process and unfortunately I am on the giving AND receiving end of the injured relationships. It has really gotten to me lately. For one, I felt terrible for the way I treated someone that was very close to me. For another, I feel like things were said that established that sometimes people really think of me what I hope they don't. They expressed things about me that are quite possible, but were not purposeful. But to them they were purposeful. It hurt to know that they thought those things about me. They said a lot with their actions. Maybe it's bad, but I feel like a lot of the things are what they really think of me. I really took what they said hard. Thankfully, I feel like for the most part the issue that was my fault has been resolved and we are friends again and with time will be back to normal. As for the others, I don't think they really feel bad about what happened. I guess I just need to forgive and forget. I don't even think they know how much it has bothered me. (even after I tried to tell them) Which just tells me they really don't know me very well. PS All of these 3 were some of what I consider to be my closest friends in Salt Lake. 


Along with all the friend issues I still don't have a job. It's unbelievably frustrating, disheartening, de-motivational, etc. etc. I will have interview number 6 on Tuesday. I had one today, that I still haven't heard back from. I shouldn't complain. At least I am getting interviews, right? Even so, I got denied the job for interview number 4 only hours after having the interview, right smack in the middle of all the friend drama. I am a worrier, so of course I am freaking out about what the future holds. Worst case scenario runs in my head over and over.... only I can't even quite imagine worst case scenario because I honestly I have NO idea what I will do if I can't get a job.


It's hard because I feel like because of the stress, my sensitivity is heightened. I am kind of to the point that I feel like I just keep  getting kicked while I am down. I am really trying to stay positive, which is honestly REALLY hard right now. I am pretty good at putting on an act and pretending to be normal, but I have spent a lot of time alone for a reason. Time passes in such a strange way because I just zone out, not really thinking about much specific or else the exact same thing over and over... and then my day is suddenly over. Any way... I really like this song, and I feel like it kinda fits for now. Life WILL get better, I just gotta hang in there.


I want to paint my face
And pretend that I am someone else
Sometimes I get so fed up
I don't even want to look at myself

But people have problems that are worse than mine
I don't want you to think I'm complaining all the time
And I hate the way you look at me I have to say
I wish I could start over

[Chorus]
I am slowly falling apart 
I wish you'd take a walk in my shoes for a start
You might think it's easy being me
You just stand still, look pretty

Sometimes I find myself shaking
In the middle of the night
And then it hits me and I can't
Even believe this is my life