Calm before the storm?

Well for now the storm is mostly over. My dad's tongue cancer looked pretty bad and they said he would probably never talk again. They also said he would spend probably 10 days in the hospital. We were so so blessed by the Lord and everyone's prayers and fasting! He only spent a week in the hospital which is awesome! His surgery was twelve hours but they were able to save part of his tongue! Hes home now and doing pretty well. He has to keep the tracheotomy because he starts radiation soon and it will cause his throat to swell again. He is getting better and better with talking and is to the point that he can talk without using the speaking valve on the trach. Hes up and moving around and acts like he feels pretty good all things considered! He has been a trooper.
My stressful semester is over, thank goodness. All in all it was a pretty good semester for me, even though i thought i was going to DIE during it. I made a lot of good memories and learned a lot! I am now working back at the day care. I am a little nervous because last summer kind of scarred me because i worked so much. So far it has been ok. It is a good place to work and Diane loves me so she really works with me. Im still adjusting to living at home...which i hate...but its better then having to pay rent.
For student teaching i am going to South Salt Lake. Most days im really excited and then other days relaity sets in and i get really nervous and scared! It will be good though. I found out i have been requested to student teach in the Jordan district, which is still a huge area but its a little more specific. Thats pretty much my life in a nut shell....not super exciting but live is good!

Woah baby!

2009 has been an interesting year for me. In the beginning I thought it was going to be awesome! I was getting to know this awesome guy! I knew that i was going to be learning and growing a ton and i was really excited for the new year. Little did i know what was waiting for me. I had to make a huge decision about this awesome guy i was getting to know....which was really hard for me. I really liked him but not in a way that i should if i was going to keep dating him. I always told myself i wouldn't never be the girl that dated someone just to have someone no matter how bad i "wanted someone". In the end it was a good decision to stop dating him even if it was hard. Then school started getting really stressful. I was so so busy. I have never done more homework but never had worse grades.... I am constantly doing homework and sometimes feel like im drowning! I probably wont get good grades this semester. Then my grandma died. That was another huge stress! Now i find out that my dad has tongue cancer. We have no idea to what extent yet but it looks pretty darn serious. All this big stress in my life is kind of making all the little things stressful too. Some days are better then others. Im pulling through! But i have just given up on this semester. I am to the point that i cant take any more. I am just getting stuff done i dont even care how nice it looks or if the answers are right i am just getting it done. I have a severe case of senioritis....

Change....

i don't feel like doing my homework so i decided i was going to post to my blog. i just need to vent right now. I really wish that you could pick the things in your life that change. Last semester was awesome. I was relatively care free. I had good friends and i didnt have to worry about what i was going to do on the weekend it was just implied that i would be with them and we would do whatever. Dont get me wrong i still have good friends and awesome people in my life...but two friends in particular i have really drifted from. Its really hard for me. Things have just changed between us and i wish so much that they could be back to the way they were before. I could really use the friendship like we had before in my life right now. In so many ways i cant wait to get out of Eastern Idaho forever. At the same time i dont want to leave things unresolved. These two friends just dont even really seem to care about me any more and its really hard for me. I have really been making an effort to hang out with them again and leaving pretty much ANY and EVERY time open so that i could hang out with them again and they always find an excuse. Last night they completely ignored me. I just dont get things like that. And it really hurts that its not the same any more. My efforts are unrequited.

I really hate that i hate my last semester in Rexburg. This whole time i was thinking that i was going to have fun and make my last the best when in all reality it has probably been my very worst out of all four years. Not to mention one of my biggest fears the whole time i've been in rexburg has come true. The whole time i was worried that i would get to my student teaching and THEN realize that i didnt want to be a teacher. and well well well what do you know? I dont want to be a teacher any more. I know i would do well and be successful but i dont want to teach teach. I dont really like teaching a whole class. I love kids and i love teaching but i would rather do one on one or small group stuff.

PLUS Everyone keeps asking me where im heading after stuent teaching and i have no idea... im praying ill have an idea sometime before it actually gets here. My whole life is up in the air but im strangely ready for the challenge. I never thought i would say that but i am excited to grab life by the horns! I'm excited to make something of myself without having the crutch of my family, or BYU-Idaho or people i know in general. I really grow and learn when i am thrown into a new situation. Its what i do best....its what i have done my whole life. i hate being sad or lonely so i do something about. I think thats what frustrating me most right now....i cant figure out anything to fix hating this semester other then waiting for it to be over. I just need to suck it up and enjoy the journey...im just struggling with the "enjoy" part of it.

Is this my life?

I have had a really weird day today. I woke up to my mom calling me and telling my grandma is in the hospital and shes not doing very well. I have found out that she might not even make it through the night. And for some reason i am just feeling so overwhelmed and burnt out right now. so everything is just hitting me at once. I just feel like i want to give up! I just want to quit!! Im so scared for the rest of my life that is just around the corner. I feel so inadequate. I dont know where im going or what im doing! I am trying so hard to put my trust the Lord. Its really hard for me to just be living my life day by day. my life is pretty much planned for me until December and after that i have NO idea what i am going to do or even what i want to do! and im gonna be on my own! Am i ready for that? can i survive on my own? and the really sucky part is that i want nothing more to be done with school and out of Rexburg but at the same time its what scares me the most. I feel like i need a fresh start and just get away from everything for a while! I want to be completely on my own and i think thats what i need for a while. I think moving so much has really cursed me... its almost like i get too comfortable and it makes me uncomfortable...if that makes any sense at all. I almost feel like im being suffocated by living in a place im so comfortable. I guess in all reality i thrive on change. I have been in Idaho way too long... i have been in Rexburg way too long... i love it here but i just cant take it any more. I cant wait until i move to Utah. and even better when im done with school. who knows where life will take me next.

bored...

So i havent made a post recently... Not that any one even reads this... but what they heck... my life is pretty dull... im just going to school...it keeps me busy (it doesnt help that i procrastinate...) i think i decided that the Lord has been trying to teach me something for years now... and i just keep interpreting it wrong. I think oh yeah ok Lord i finally got what you wanted me to learn... and then it comes up again... I guess i am just not getting it. I am learning a lot about having the Lord constantly in my life. I love having him there to help me make discision and then knowing that they are right. I just have a hard time actually doing it.... Im still working on completely trusting him with out question. Maybe thats what im supposed to be learning. Any way... thats all there is to my life... haha i sleep, i eat, i go to class, i do homework and then start all over. :) I cant wait to be done....

What do I want? You tell me and we'll both know!!!!

I am at a weird stage in my life. Im getting ready to graduate from college. That is a big deal! But for some reason to me it doesn't feel like much. I see all of my friends going on missions, getting married, getting great jobs and I'm like wow they are really going some where! they are accomplishing so much they are really growing and moving on to a great place in their lives. But for some reason i feel like im at a stand still. I almost feel like well wow what have i done with my life? I almost have a college degree but i dont know where i want to go with it! With the degree i have i can go pretty much any where i want.... anyone that knows me knows that i am a TERRIBLE decision maker, so having almost endless possibilities is BAD NEWS for me! I could go any where and do pretty much anything.... but thats the thing... i dont know... you just pick a place for me! haha I wont lie....i always imagined myself married by now. By no means am i actually ready to be married right now...but i always thought i would be. I always just thought that when i graduated from College i would be married and i would just teach where ever my husband needed to be. As you can tell that is far from the case. I didnt plan this direction of my life. I have always been a planner. and pretty much my whole life i have planned up to a certain point and just done it. and when i get there i plan more....and its always just worked with minor adusting along the way. I get this idea in my head and i make it happen. So this is really new for me. I dont have any of my life planned from here on out and it freaks me out. It feels like Im staring into this pitch black cave and i have to leave almost everything and everyone i knew before outside of the cave and venture in. I just feel like i have no direction... Its good though. It is teaching me to take the Lords hand and let him guide me. Its teaching me that i dont have to see the whole picture i can just see parts at a time. Its making me really trust the Lord and put my faith in him. I know he will take me where I need to be. I also know that it doesnt mean it wont be scary and that it wont hurt. But it will be what i need when i need it and he will take care of me. He wont leave me alone.

Fall 2008

I hate when i get stressed. The semester is quickly ending and the homework and projects are of course piled high. I spent all day today doing something... 7:45 to 1:45 in class... and then 2-8:30 doing homework... after that i just felt so anxious i had to do something so i went and worked out. i just really had a crappy day today. It was long, and busy and something that always brightens my day was no where to be found... My teacher gets on my nerves more and more every day! its lucky i only have one more class of his ever because i dont think i could take it any more. I hate it when im like this because i hate being around people. I hate being like this and i dont want people to see me when im like this. Plus i want to still have friends at the end of the day. I really feel like i just need to sit down and cry but i cant. That always used to make me feel better and i would always do it but i havent really cried in probably 6 months or more. I dont cry any more. i need to calm down but i just cant seem to. UG i have to go do something!

im really bored and cant sleep...

This time last November, were you single?
Yup


Who can you blame for your bad mood today?
Im not in a bad mood...

Did you ever waste too much time on a certain boy or girl?
Yes in a way...but im always learning

What do you prefer skittles or starbursts?
skittles

How was last night?
It was ok... pretty boring compared to Saturdays im used to.

If you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?
#1 reason...i'm thinking. Other reasons i'm listening, or im mad

What is your mom listed under in your phone?
Mumzy

Have you ever kissed someone and never saw them again?
nope cant say that i have

How are you feeling right now?
tired and kinda lonely....im not used to being by myself any more! im used to having people around me all the time

What was your last argument about?
I dont remember...i guess technically telling Katelyn she should stay and hang out with me instead of going home

Last nap?
today after church! i love sunday naps!

Who were the first 2 people you heard this morning?
My mom and Dad

Have you ever liked anyone that treated you like crap?
Oh yes.... unfortunately much too often

What are you listening to?
Say Anything Else -Cartel

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?
not that i know of...

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
Probably.... im pretty cool.... hahaha

Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?
Tara W!!!

Are you a big fan of snowstorms or thunderstorms?
LOVE them if im inside!!! its super cool to watch!

Were you happy when you woke up today?
no...but not unhappy either... kind of neutral

Would you ever live with anyone on your top friends?
Well i have lived with some of them so i guess the answer is yes.

Do you believe in perfection?
Yes! Jesus is perfect and we can be through him eventually


How do you vent anger?
Blast music, talk to someone, (it works best if its the person im mad at), go run.... i love running when im upset or have a lot on my mind!

Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
i have a bunch

Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
most definitely

Are you over your past?
Um.... i still think about it but i know i am a different person now...


Has anyone disappointed you recently?
Yes

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
No not at all


Do you currently hate someone?
no i dont hate any one

What was the first thing you thought when you wake up?
Ug i dont want to wake up.... SNOOZE!!!

What were you doing at 12:00 this afternoon?
getting home from Church

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
no but I did once... thats why i never will again

Do you like the majority of the people you went to school with?
yeah

Have you ever gotten a sunburn so bad it hurt to move?
YES!!!!!! 4th of July

Who was the last person you texted?
Sean

Does anyone hate you?
psh heck no.... no one could ever hate me! :) haha i dont know....

Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Yes sir! several in fact

What is worse physical or emotional pain?
emotioal because i always think about it and its harder to get rid of...


Think a lot before you fall asleep?
always...really bad habit

Boy or a girl to text you last?
boy

Are you afraid of falling in love?
heck yes i am

Name something you are doing tomorrow:
Going to see my kiddos

Does your phone normally ring in the middle of the night?
nope thank goodness

How many hours did you sleep last night?
about 7

Is there anyone you trust who you shouldn't?
no i dont think so... but there are people i trust with somethings and not with others...

Is there someone you can't stop thinking about?
yup.....


How did you and your number one on myspace become friends?
She was my roommate!

Do you think you're old?
Sometimes....just cuz a lot of the people i graduated with are married and have kids... and like everyone i go to school with that is single is younger then me pretty much

Are you a jealous person?
not seriously.... but i say im jealous all the time

Where have you lived throughout your life?
Star Valley off and on my whole life, Fresno Cali, Rapid City South Dakota, Rigby and Rexburg.

Do you wear contacts?
nope

What were you doing an hour ago?
reading

What are you wearing?
sweats

If you could go back in time and change things, would you?
no its made me who i am today

If you could seek revenge on someone would you?
No... i think what goes around comes around.... i dont need to...

Who do you live with?
5 wonderful girls

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?
nope

Have you ever been around someone who was high?
Um yeah?

Did you have a good birthday last year?
Yup


Is your hair curly?
kinda wavy in spots....on the right day

Are you waiting for something
uh....in a way....

The past is the past....

I am finally home for Thanksgiving break. It is really nice not having to worry about homework...but that gives me plenty of time to think about anything and everything else. The topic of choice today is the past. I have been reading this really awesome book called Alive in Christ by Robert L Millet. Its really amazing! i would highly recommend it to any one. Reading this book is really what has triggered thinking about the past. He gives this beautiful imagery of becoming reborn through Christ. My favorite so far is the example of a butterfly. We don't stop and say oh what a lovely converted worm which is indeed what it is. Instead we see it for what it is. It has just made me think about what i was before and what i am now. I think in many ways who i was and who i am are polar opposites. Not saying that I'm some perfect person by any means but i do believe that what i have become is so much more beautiful then what i was. Repentance is a really amazing thing!!! How lucky are we to have the opportunity to change our lives. We can realize what we want in life and go for it. He also says that we should remember the past only as a reminder of our growth. Christ made it so that we can repent and become a new person and I'm so grateful!

Just kind of as a side note... After thinking about my past today i looked through a lot of my old stuff like yearbooks. I really do miss those times. i had a good life and good friends and good memories (some that i re-lived today). It always brings a smile to my face to remember where i have been and it helps me keep in mind that i have so much ahead of me and SSSOOO much can happen in what seems like no time at all. It makes me want to take everything for what it is worth. I want to take advantage of every moment and cherish it!

Becoming a Teacher

Being a teacher is not always what I wanted to do. When I was way younger I wanted to be a nurse. I could never do that now! GROSS! When I was a little older I decided that I wanted to be a Judge. Crazy I know... Then when I was even a little older I wanted to be a Physical Therapist. I actually even looked into going into it. I looked at programs I looked at the kinds of things I could do with it and more. Now looking back I have no idea why I wanted to be any of those things. My senior year I just all of the sudden decided Elementary Education and that I was going to BYU-Idaho...both things that i had pretty much sworn off my entire life. But you know I am so happy with my decision. I really love being with children!

I had a really awesome experience. The kind of experience that makes you realize why you're doing what you are doing. I was in my Literacy Practicum class doing the same thing I always do. This time I was playing a literacy game with a small group of kids. They had to pick a card and read it. This one particular boy (hes so cute and so sweet I want to take him home with me) picked a card that said "what is" he had trouble with it and got stuck on what. He kept saying "wat" and then would look at me because he knew it wasn't right. So I said alright lets take a look at this. He showed me and usually I would have just told him what it was. But this time I said try and read the next word...maybe that will help you! Then he said "wat is" and thought for a second then said "WHAT IS!!!!" he got SO excited!!!!! he got a huge smile on his face!! I think it was awesome for both of us! He felt so accomplished because he figured it out by himself! I felt so accomplished because he figured it out by himself! I live for those moments!I think that that is what being a teacher is all about!! Being a teacher is not about regurgitating information and praying that students will soak in some of it. Being a teacher is guiding the students to make their own discoveries! Not to mention I think that they remember it so much better that way. This way it has actual meaning to them its not just something they have to do because mom and dad make them go to school! I love being a teacher and im learning how more and more every day!!! it rocks my world!