To my twinner

So, my wonderful amazing twinner Kelcie has decided to move home for the summer. And she is leaving on FRIDAY! this is our last little bit together until next fall!!! It is so weird to think about!!! She has kind of been my security blanket in Salt Lake! We always kinda played off each other and became known as the Kelsey's. I probably would not be where I am today with out her! I guess it is time for me to be a big girl and do life on my own! It will be pretty weird not having her here. So Kels, heres to our many wonderful days and nights living the dream in Salt Lake! It may be a long summer without you! but it will make Fall just that much better! Life changes SSOOO quickly!

Who's a giant grumpy pants raise your hand!!!!

OOO OOOO ME ME PICK ME!!!

patience--whats that?

kindness--out the window

happy and cheerful--only in short spurts throughout the day

tolerance--good joke!

I don't know what my deal is but I am just not a people person today. Like everyone and everything is getting on my nerves. I need an attitude adjustment. I want to be alone but then when I am alone I hate it and just want to be with people. I am bi polar or something.

Obligation?

I have come to feel some what obligated to update my blog. I mean really....it hasnt been too long since I last updated it...but i just had this like nagging feeling.... you have a blog you need to update it. Not to mention the fact that whenever I get on to see if someone has updated their blog, I am always disappointed if no one has updated. Therefore, a feeling of obligation.

So, nothing is really new.... I can't decide if thats a good thing or a bad thing. Most of the time I am feeling ok about my Dad. Of course I miss him like crazy. I still have my moments that are really hard, but I have been very blessed with the gospel and a knowledge of my Heavenly Fathers plan. It definitely makes the hard times easier to deal with.

Life has kind of become a routine for me. But strangely I am kind of ok with it. I go to work, I come home, I go to bed, I get up and go to work. No cute boys to think about.... The thing i look forward to the most is sleeping in on Saturday. But (maybe sadly) I am content with life for the most part. I feel like I am where I am supposed to be doing what i am supposed to be doing. What more can you ask for right?

Right now I am crossing my fingers that I will get a teaching contract at my school. It seems pretty up in the air still. I REALLY love my school. I love the kids, the other teachers, the people I work with, everything! I feel like I need to be there. And i guess if i do need to be there it will work out so that I am. I also need to find a job for the summer. I have NO idea what I am going to do yet. I have applied a few places and am just crossing my fingers. I thought about teaching summer school, but I dont think i will make enough money.

I get to babysit my 3 favorite kiddos in the whole world tomorrow!!! My brother in laws sister is getting married, so i get to watch my niece and nephews while they are in the temple. In a way it is convenient. but sometimes i wonder if it will ever be me IN the temple instead of being the one outside watching the kids. Going to weddings always makes me want to get married....and then i really think about it and i realize I am not ready to get married, no matter how bad i may want to get married! Haha....maybe someday....

Any way...enough randomness for now....until next time.

Depends on the Day

So...my car randomly decided to FREAK out today... I was driving along and i KNOW for a FACT my gas thing said i had half a tank but all of the sudden it started dinging at me because it said I had low fuel. AND the temperature gage decided to freak as well and switched back and forth between all the way cold to right in the middle. it would switch about every five seconds. So I got to my friends house and parked and just prayed it would be ok. I asked a few people what i should do and none of them really had a definitive answer. So when I left to come home I just hoped it would be ok. and it was. BUT the whole scary nerve racking event really really really really made me miss my Daddy. He was always the first one I would call about anything to do with my car. He knew the answers to all my problems. I wanted to call him. My first thought was to call him..... and oddly enough (its probably psychological) I didn't get an answer from any one else. No one else could give me the answer i needed or wanted because it wasn't from my dad. Most of the time I do ok in dealing with my dad's passing....but it is moments like this that i REALLY miss him.

A Daddy...

I couldn't sleep last night so i just started writing down memories of my dad and I. It may not make a lot of sense because i just wrote and it was late...but here you go. Each part is a memory I have of my dad.

A Daddy...

A daddy's love is unexplainable
When he first holds you, he already loves you.
He is already proud of you.
He is already worried about you and wants what's best for you.

A daddy is the one that checks under the bed for monsters.
He makes sure that you will always be safe.
He teaches you things he doesn't even realize he is teaching you...
Like smacking your lips after you take a big drink.

A daddy gives you earthquakes
Even if you say it bugs you, it really doesn't
He tickles you until you can't breath
Just so he can see you smile and hear you laugh

A daddy teaches you how to hammer a nail.
He says "You did great!" even if he fixes it later.
He teaches you how to fish.
He lets you reel in the fish he caught, and lets you claim it as your own. (even if it is the biggest catch of the day)

A daddy comes to all your little plays and performances.
He knows how much it means to you.
He's the one behind the camera taking pictures of everything.
It's kind of embarrassing, but you'll thank him later.

A daddy is the one you call when you wreck the car.
It takes you a few minutes to get the guts to call him.
You think he is going to be mad,
but all that is important to him is that you are ok.

A daddy teaches you how to drive his beat up stick shift truck.
Even though he can't talk and is still sore from surgery.
Even though he got an earthquake of his own!
He does it just because you randomly decided you wanted to learn.

A daddy comes to your college graduation,
even though its hard for him to sit that long.
Just from the look in his eyes, you know he has never been more proud of you.
He doesn't need to say it. You already know.

A daddy may get upset with you.
It's not because he doesn't love you.
In fact, its because he DOES love you.
You may not like to admit it, but you learn from it and love him for it.

He may make you crazy.
You will probably think he is trying to ruin your life.
But a daddy wants what's best for you.
A daddy loves you more than you may ever realize.

A daddy is your hero.

My Daddy

For those of you that do not know yet, my Dad passed away yesterday. It has been a very hard reality to face, but we are making it through. He went much quicker than we anticipated but, it is SO much better for his sake. I know for a fact that he is in a much better place. He is happy and healthy and doing so much to help up in heaven. He is no longer in pain and no longer suffering, which was probably the hardest part for me to see. It was almost a exactly a year after he was diagnosed with cancer that he died. I wrote in my journal March 22 2009 that he was officially diagnosed the Friday before. Thank you all so much for your love, support, concern, thoughts, prayers, generosity etc etc etc the list could go on. Here is a really good quote I found the day before he passed away.

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along." . . . You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt

Festival of Colors

The after math...on the way home from the shuttle

Full body shot

Beck and I taking an action shot

The Hindu Temple

Before shot

Kelcie Becky and I went to the Festival of Colors at a Hindu temple in Spanish Fork yesterday. It was SO much fun! We bought bags of chalk and just walked around and threw chalk at each other and other people. We had it every where. When we blew our noses we had purple boogers....our teeth were purple and when we spit you had black spit. At one point everyone flung up the chalk and created a giant cloud. It was impossible to breathe and I was gagging on all the chalk that was in my mouth. It was so fun though! here are some pictures to document our adventure.

Utah Driver

I finally have my car registered.... I have a Utah drivers license, Utah license plates, Utah insurance.... I am officially a Utah driver.... I dont know how I feel about it. After all the work, pain, stress, and agony in getting the car thing situated it is MOSTLY taken care of. I did find out that my serpentine belt is badly cracked....So I will probably end up replacing that soon. Dang cars....

My certification stuff is STILL a giant pain in my butt...and I cant apply for jobs til i have my cert stuff done. I am INCHES away from having it all but i had to pay $40 to get a hard copy of my Praxis scores.....ouch....

The teachers and principal were talking about the FTE today at school. It makes me pretty nervous. Everyone tells me they all love me at my school but it makes me nervous about getting a job. FTE is basically the projected number of student in each grade for the next school year. and based on the number of students that is how they know how many teachers they can hire for the next school year. Well thats pretty much all that is going on in my super crazy life....

Home Bitter Sweet Home.

I have never been good with words. It is WAY easier for me to say what I am thinking in writing.... So here goes nothing....

I came home this weekend. It has been almost a month since I have been home so I was REALLY excited to get back. I felt like I really needed to be here and couldn't wait to see my parents. Its just frustrating to me because now that I am here it is REALLY hard... I can't decide where I should be. When I am in Salt Lake I just want to be back here....when I am here I just want to be back in Salt Lake. I think in a way its easier to be in Salt Lake....but not for good reasons.

I think I decided today that I am not really sad that he is going to die. Because of the gospel background that I have I am almost comforted in the fact. It is just SSSOOO hard to see him SO miserable. He is just slowly but surely dying. and suffering the whole way. I think that is the most upsetting part. Especially knowing that there is nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to sit any watch.

I have definitely learned that i was NEVER EVER meant to be a doctor. I have been helping take care of him since I have been here and it is really hard for me. I have a SUPER weak stomach. I feel bad. I feel like I should be here to take better care of him. Thankfully my grandma stays here pretty much 24/7. It is a huge comfort for all of us to know she is taking care of him. Not to mention she is the only one that does things just the way he likes it.

The questions i hate the most right now are:

• How are you?(not the normal kind but the oh....poor pathetic you....your dad is dying-sad-look-on-their-face kind)
• How's your dad?
• How was your weekend at home?
• What can I do for you?

At least from people that I don't know very well. Do you really need to ask? How do you think I am? he is? it was? not mention.....its not like i really want to talk about it at least not with them...... Probably the best thing you can do for me right now is to ask or talk to me about ANYTHING else. I think about it enough without everyone asking me all the time.

Here are the answers

• I'm not too great
  
• Hes not good, hes really sick and miserable
  
• It was harder than I would even like to admit
  
• You don't have magical healing powers so nothing.

bah hum bug...

I am a giant grump....ALL the time....
Anything sets me off. I am NOT like that.
I can't sort through the thoughts in my head.
I hate starting to cry because it takes me literally hours to stop.
The gospel my family and my friends are the only things that keeping me going.
Thank goodness I know what I know and have the gospel. (even with it I am a basket case)
I don't really sleep any more.....
For some reason I can't seem to face reality.